A Little Clarification

I haven't posted on here and I plan on getting back on track with that. I'm already teeming with so many ideas for new posts and want to make this a regular thing again. However, there are things that need to be addressed and explained, so I'm going to do that here in a rather informal post.

As of last Tuesday I've cancelled my mission. So I guess you could say the title of this blog fits now. And now I can write about not being a full time missionary for who knows how long. This decision has come with much prayer and study. It wasn't easy, and honestly I don't think it will be for a while. I can't tell you how hard it is to tell people. But I'm okay with it. I know it's the right decision and I'm excited for what's ahead.

So I just want to get down to the basics and answer the questions. I get asked a lot of questions in regard to cancelling my mission and such so here I'm going to say it all. Just to let it out there. Here goes.

Did you get your call?

Yes I did. The day after I cancelled. Ironic, isn't it? It was odd. Holding that call in my hand was strange. I didn't feel bad or like I made a huge mistake. If anything, it felt like going through with it would have been wrong. I didn't like telling people though. That felt wrong.

But didn't you announce your call on Facebook? So you lied.

Yes. I did. And I hated it. I lingered over posting that for some time. I didn't want to tell anyone about my call. I just wanted to open it and continue on with my day. I wanted to tell everyone the truth. Instead things got out of hand and I lied. I felt horrible for days. And I'm sorry for that. And just a note, I'm not blaming the excitement for my lying. That was my doing. I'm in the wrong for that.

Did you cancel because of a guy?

This is the most common question I get in regards to cancelling my mission. The only guy involved in the cancellation of my mission is Heavenly Father. Sorry to disappoint but it's not because of a guy I was dating or anything, not that I'm seeing anyone anyway. So no.

So why did you cancel your mission?

Ahhh. The tough one. Ultimately what happened was I started to feel like I shouldn't go. Just a feeling. An impression if you will. Really what I felt was that I needed to reconsider and pray about it again. I prayed about it in October. That's quite a long time ago. Somehow serving a mission didn't feel as right as it did back in October.

Eventually I sought council from someone on it and through talking with them felt very strongly impressed I had to pray about it again. So I woke up the next morning, read my patriarchal blessing, scriptures, and studied it out in my mind. Then I prayed and received an answer. The decision to submit my will and say "not my will but thine be done" was one of the hardest decisions in my entire existence. It took me a few days to stop crying, get up, and say, "Alright. A mission isn't for me. And that's okay."

Simply put: it just didn't feel right. And it's between Heavenly Father and I.

Did you feel pressured to go on a mission?

Not at first. I thought it was all natural. If you read my post on how I decided, it all made sense to me. I did feel pressured after cancelling. It felt like everyone was disappointed and didn't want to accept that I wasn't going on a mission. But I know what's right for me and I've made my decision.

Side note: when I say I felt pressured, I don't mean people insisted I go on a mission. It was more like people made me feel bad. They were disappointed, or they would go on about my call, or about how great of a missionary I would have been. It makes me uncomfortable and like no one's going to like me if I don't do what they expect of me (this is a problem, I know). So that's what I mean.

So you still got your call. Where were you called to?

I was called to the West Indies mission including the Trinidad region. English speaking. I would have reported to the DR MTC on September 25th.

It's probably because you took too long to finish your papers.

Well thank you but no. I'm glad I took my time. Why? Because then I wouldn't have rushed into the mission and realized halfway through it was the wrong decision. It's better I took my time and realized it wasn't right for me now than to have rushed into it and realized it too late. So I disagree with this. I would have found out. The timing of this is exactly what it needed to be. It has nothing to do with how long it took me to finish my papers.

Are you sure you weren't just scared? Or worried about where you'd go?

If that was the case then I don't have the faith to serve a mission. No, I wasn't scared. I wasn't worried about where I'd be called. I trust my Heavenly Father.

Are you sure this wasn't Satan?

I hate this question. Nothing is more insulting than this question. I know how Heavenly Father communicates with me. I've known for a long time. And I know the difference between Satan and Heavenly Father. Satan makes us feel bad. Sometimes I'd think to myself, "I'm not good enough to serve a mission. That's why Heavenly Father doesn't want me to serve a mission." That's Satan. It's also bull crap.

How I knew it was from Heavenly Father and not through Satan was 1) the priesthood. I spoke with priesthood holders whom I trusted and looked up to in order to know what decision to make. I even received a priesthood blessing. Wow too. I've never doubted priesthood blessings but my testimony of them has been quadrupled.

2) The spirit. This is the thing about this question. When I say I felt impressed and prayed about it, don't you think I'd be prompted by the spirit? Again, very offensive question. But continuing on, I listened to the promptings of the spirit. I know when I'm feeling the spirit. End of discussion.

3) It felt right. When I made that decision I felt so good. Yes, that's the spirit, but there was nothing in me that felt bad. And not only that, but I knew he accepted my willingness. I knew Heavenly Father appreciated my willingness to serve a mission. He just has different plans for me.

And Finally, while it was hard, I didn't feel beaten down. I was humbled and uplifted. I knew it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or anything like that. Again, there are different things in store for me. and that's okay.

It bothers me to no end when people would say something like this, but I've gotten it a few times. I almost feel like I shouldn't have to answer or explain that. There was nothing worldly in this decision. Isn't that enough of an answer? However, I guess I can understand where people are coming from. (Nope. Not really. Not at all. No.) So there's your answer.

What now?

Another question I dread. Honestly, I have no idea.

This is a test of my faith. If I knew what Heavenly Father wanted me to do and what was around the corner it wouldn't be. Of course, I have to do my work. I can't just sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I have to figure out what I need to do. Do I have some ideas? Yes. Am I going to say what? No. I need to figure it out for myself.

A great quote I've been considering during this time is from Gordon B. Hinckley: "Get down on your knees and pray then get on your feet and work."

So is there any chance you'll serve a mission later?

Well my papers aren't on hold. They're cancelled. Done. Bye bye. But hey, things could change. Maybe next year I'll go on a mission. Maybe in a few years. Maybe I'll go when I'm married. I don't know. If it's the right time then sure. I would love to.

Maybe you'll get married soon! I think I hear wedding bells.

Not a question but come on people. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Maybe I'll get started on a writing career. Or I'll go to college. Maybe I'll die a spinster. Who knows. It's in Heavenly Father's hands. And I'm pretty cool with that. But stop with the marriage stuff.

Is this in relation to anything at home?

No. This is between the Lord and I. If there was a problem at home or financially that would keep me from a mission I wouldn't worry. I trust my Heavenly Father. End of discussion.

You didn't want to change your mind after you got your call?

No. I've made my decision and it's the right one. I know it. Is it pretty cool to see where I would have gone? Yes. Is it really hard to think about? Sometimes, yes. Especially when people keep talking to me about it as if I'm still going. But I'm past that.

Wow. That's so sad that you're not going. I feel so bad for the people in the West Indies and Trinidad. You would have been a great missionary... blah blah blah pity party boo hoo blah blah blah

Please don't say anything like this to me. It makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable. Don't try to make me feel bad. You make it sound like I've just made the worst decision in my life. And I didn't. (see: Did you feel pressured to serve a mission?)

If you weren't going on a mission in the first place then why would Heavenly Father put you through all that?

Fantastic question! I've been wondering this for some time. In fact, I found my answer just the other day while reading the scriptures. In 1st Nephi I always thought it was interesting how Lehi and his family went into the wilderness without any indication that they should get the brass plates. It's not until they're in the wilderness that Lehi tells them the Lord has commanded his sons to get the brass plates. I never got this. Why didn't Heavenly Father just tell them while they were still in Jerusalem? Wouldn't that be easier? It's not like He didn't know they would need them.

However, upon studying I found something interesting. In the wilderness was where Nephi gained his testimony. He didn't have it before. He leaned on his father's testimony. It wasn't until his faith was tested and he was out in the wilderness that he gained a testimony of his own. Nephi needed that before he could do the work Heavenly Father had in store for him. Would he be willing to try three times to get the plates without that testimony? I think Laman and Lemuel's examples answer that for us.

Not only that, but Nephi shared his experience with his brother Sam. And Sam believed him. This is huge. If Sam didn't have that experience where he leaned on his brother's testimony he might have not sided with him. So he might have been on Laman and Lemuel's side. Nephi may be a strong and great guy with a strong testimony, but he couldn't continue on his own. Those two needed each other. And through Nephi Sam was able to gain his own testimony.

Likewise if we read in Genesis there is the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was given a huge test of faith when he was told to sacrifice Isaac. It wasn't until right before that an angel of the Lord appeared unto him and told him he doesn't have to kill him.

Man I love the scriptures. They're awesome. Aren't they? So I think my situation was much like that of both stories. It was a test of faith and I had to grow a bit before I could be a better servant of my Heavenly Father. I know I've grown tremendously in preparing to serve a mission. I've come much closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before. And for that I'm thankful for the experience.

I don't know all the details of Heavenly Father's plan, but I'm slowly picking up on the little blessings of this. And you know, that's enough for me.

Anything else you want to say?

Not really. I think I've said it all. In fact that's a lot. Sorry about that. I may have ranted a bit. But there you go. If I missed any questions just ask and I'll answer. I'm pretty sure I covered all of it.

This has all been crazy and ridiculous and hard. But it's okay. The other day when I told my ward a guy came up to me and said, "Don't be sad or bothered by anything anyone says. It's between you and the Lord and you know you made the right decision." It was actually pretty random but so sweet. I needed that more than I realized. The random hugs have been pretty nice too.

The number one thing I've taken from this experience is to trust my Heavenly Father and understand there's nothing wrong with me. Just because I'm not serving a mission doesn't mean I'm a bad person or not good enough for the blessings of heaven. It's okay. I'll be okay. And I'll find my way. I just have to figure out which way to go now.