Nephi the Spiritual Giant

I may have mentioned before but I've decided to try reading the Book of Mormon in full in 3 months. I'm pretty bad about keeping up with my seven pages a day, but I make a point to catch up and do it. And I've found it's been an amazing experience. I confessed before I'm really bad about scripture study. But once I get reading I can't stop. Somehow reading seven pages doesn't seem like enough.

This time around I've been trying to journal and really study what I read. I want to get as much as I can out of it for this time in my life, and journal for future reference. I can't put everything I learn and come across on here, but I thought I'd share some of my experiences. And what I've found.

In my post about cancelling my mission, I shared some of what I learned in 1 Nephi that helped me in accepting my decision and trying to understand it from an eternal perspective. Yet that was only the beginning of much learning that has taken up so many pages in my journal.

I realized as I started reading 1 Nephi that I know this story really well. I've watched the Book of Mormon film, heard the story in church, and seen it portrayed many times at Hill Cumorah. Every time I've read it I've passed through passively because it was all the same to me. I've read this. I know this story. What more can I take out of it?

So this time I tried to understand it deeper. As a big reader and a writer I wanted to analyze it like I would a book. Every word in the scriptures has a deeper meaning. We know this from Christ's parables but it's true of every single word in the scriptures.

I decided to take a surprising turn in studying 1 Nephi. I wanted to understand the story from both Nephi and Laman's point-of-view. Specifically, I wanted to see how I could relate to Laman. The results were startling. I could relate to him way more than I wanted to admit. But already it's taught me a valuable lesson.

While it may seem strange to try to understand and relate to Laman, my thought process was that if I knew how I related to Laman then I knew what I had to work on. And while it was easy to see everything from Nephi's point-of-view since it's written in his point-of-view I wanted to try to see it from the eyes of a young man, not an older man recalling his youth.

All my life I thought Nephi was a spiritual giant and it came easy to him. I thought he just knew. He didn't struggle like me. He always said wonderful things and always acted on unlimited faith. To me, he was the perfect example of what we should strive to be in this life (save only Christ). It just seemed so easy for Nephi.

Yet, what I found was the opposite. Nephi didn't have a testimony right away. He didn't have a perfect testimony and perfect faith. Does anyone? But not only that, Nephi had to work for it. This has become so much my mantra I've put a post-it on my mirror to remind me.

When Nephi was in the wilderness (prior to getting the plates) he knelt down in prayer to know the things which his father knew. In that moment he received a testimony that was vital to him being able to get the brass plates. I got more into this in a previous post. But I think this is so important.

Remember, becoming a spiritual giant like Nephi doesn't come easy. Nephi worked for his testimony and he continued to be faithful and try to do what he could to please his Heavenly Father. We can't become Nephis over night. That takes time and effort. It's not impossible though. We can be strong and faithful like Nephi. Like him, we have to work hard for it.

But, we can become Lamans too. It was interesting to reread 1 Nephi and to try to see it from his point-of-view. I always thought Nephi and Laman were black and white. I just thought he was all bad. It has to be understood that Laman isn't bad. He just lacks a testimony. Now I'm not saying this to scare anyone who lacks a testimony (I recommend reading Elder Holland's recent talk at General Conference in regards to this topic) but what needs to be understood is Laman both lacked a testimony and wasn't willing to work for one.

How many times do we expect Heavenly Father to bless us the way we want? Can you really say you aren't guilty of that? Well I hate to break it to you, but that's very much like Laman. In fact, I bet every one of us has a little of Laman in us. More than we want to admit, too.

Laman wanted things to be easy and simple. He loved his home and had a comfortable life. Imagine having the life you always wanted and suddenly being told by your father you had to leave for the wilderness. You have to leave everything and everyone you love behind. That's not easy. Can you blame Laman for complaining and not wanting to go?

The big difference in how Laman and Nephi handle things is that one has a testimony and sought it out and the other didn't. While Nephi was still young and premature in his testimony it still had a tremendous impact on his behavior. And likewise, not having one or striving for one effected Laman's behavior and attitude.

What we need to ask ourselves now is who do we want to become. Do we want to be like Nephi? Do we want to work hard for our testimony, continually trust in the Lord, and strive to better ourselves? Or do we want to be like Laman, comfortable in our worldly pleasure, lacking in testimony, and lazy?

Yet somehow in our every day decisions we end up striving to be a little bit like both of them. What I've gotten out of this study so far is how important it is to make it a daily goal to choose our Heavenly Father. We need to decide for ourselves what we want. It's easy to see things from a short perspective. It's easy to make a decision that won't effect us until later in life. But we need to decide now who we want to be now, tomorrow, and forever more. And we need to constantly do what we can for that.

I love the scriptures. I don't think I can say that enough. No matter how many times I reread them, I always get something new out of it. And I'm excited to see what this new goal will teach me and to see what messages I get that pertain to my life right now.

I'd encourage everyone to take the challenge to read seven pages of the Book of Mormon a day. It's okay if you're not perfect about it. I'm actually a bit behind, but I catch up. You can do it. I promise if you do and you really study and ponder what you read you'll find the messages you need at this time in your life. Heavenly Father often blesses us through His teachings in the scriptures. Even when we think we know it all, we find more richness when we reread.

I know this book is true. I know it. And I'm so thankful for having them in my life. And I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The Truth About No

Often times when discussing the cancellation of my mission people would say to me, "Why would Heavenly Father say no to you serving a mission?" It's a hard question to answer. I've asked myself this question and often wondered if it was because I wasn't worthy or good enough. But I've come to find that, as Heavenly Father humbles and uplifts, that isn't the answer. Rather, when Heavenly Father says no it's for a reason we don't often realize.

When Heavenly Father says "no" it's because he has an even bigger "yes" in mind.

Think about that for a second. Sometimes we linger so much on the no we forget he has something else in store for us. Imagine what it's like for Heavenly Father. He wants to bless us. But we have to do the right work and ask the right questions.

What needs to be understood about a no is you're given that answer because what you're asking for is not good enough for you. Heavenly Father will bless you with the best that you need. Not the best that you want. I recall a story of a woman who was dating a young man and wasn't sure if she wanted to marry him. He shared his desire to marry her so she knelt down in prayer. What was her answer? Absolutely not. Following that prompting, she ended it and later realized the blessing of that answer. She ended up marrying a wonderful man who was a much better choice for her. He was the best option for her. That other man wasn't. Heavenly Father had a wonderful yes in mind for her.

If there is one thing we need to always remember in regards to these sometimes heart breaking answers, it's that you should always listen to it. If she married that man her life wouldn't be what it is today, and she's thankful she made the right decision. Likewise, I once heard the story of another woman who, the day of her wedding, knelt down in prayer to ask if it was the right decision. What did she get? No. Did she listen? No. Many years later after a hard divorce and a marriage to another wonderful man she realized her mistake in not listening.

The truth is a no is never given without strong reason. Actually, no answer is every given without strong reason, but a no must never be ignored. Remember a no isn't your Heavenly Father turning against you. He isn't mistreating you or abandoning you. While receiving a no as an answer to a prayer can be hard, it can also be a wonderful blessing we don't understand at first.

One time I knelt down in prayer to my Heavenly Father about going to college. I desired to apply to certain colleges and sought an answer of encouragement. But it wasn't to be. I was devastated. It didn't make sense to me. Why didn't He want me to go to college? Isn't college a good thing? Several months later my father lost his job and we went into the process of moving. It blessed me so much more to listen to my Heavenly Father. I thought He was punishing me and didn't want me to succeed in life. What I later realized was he had other ideas of how to bless me and help me grow.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us... If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Receiving answers to prayers and heeding them takes a lot of faith. When we exercise that faith and show our Heavenly Father we're willing to do what is right, even when we don't understand why, He blesses us. Besides, what better person to put your trust in than your almighty Heavenly Father?

Sometimes receiving a no and moving forward with that takes more faith than a yes. I've learned that ten fold since cancelling my mission. Sometimes I'm down on myself and I think, "What now? I don't understand? Why would he say no to this?" While I may not see the blessings now of that decision and what's in store for me, I can't expect Heavenly Father to just hand me the blessings right away. As President Hinckley said, I need to be worthy and trust Him.

But remember, when you get a no listen to it. Always listen to it. It's easy to think of no's as Heavenly Father punishing us. Like when I was praying about college, I thought that no was meant to punish me. Instead it was given because I was needed elsewhere. Heavenly Father says no because he has something else in store. Something better. When we see it that way it's not so bad, but it's not easy to get to that understanding and to keep holding on to that understanding.

My father once told me, "Sometimes it's not Plan A. Sometimes it's not plan B. Sometimes it's plan C. You just have to keep praying and trying to figure it out. If you get a no try to figure out what to do." Think of it this way, Nephi and his brothers didn't get the plates the first time. They didn't get it the second time. They got it the third time. Sometimes it takes quite a few times before we get a yes. But there are blessings in the journey to a yes. Look at it from an eternal perspective. How do you think Heavenly Father feels when we put in the effort to try to find the right answer? He knows He's giving His blessings to the right person for the right reasons. We need to work and prove we're worthy of it. He wants to bless us. We just have to do our part.

So a no really isn't all that bad. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's hard and awkward. Sometimes you don't understand why. Sometimes you don't get it. And sometimes you just want to cry on your pillow because you really wanted a yes. But you have to trust your Heavenly Father. He knows what He's doing. A no isn't the end of the world. The truth is a no is just the beginning of you finding better things. There are greater things in store for you than that no.

I know in my own life right now it's been taking a lot of faith to move forward and to figure out what I want to do. I guess really the truth about a no is it takes a whole lot more faith than I thought. And that's okay. Heavenly Father loves us and He wants to bless our lives and to help us grow so we can return to Him. I'm excited to move forward in my life and find out what's in store for me. Maybe I don't know what's in store and maybe I'll stumble along the way, but I'll figure it out.

Just to finish with my testimony, I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father lives and loves us. He desires the best for us. Can I say that enough? Well it's true. I know it is. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Dearest Father

I'm a bit sad I missed the chance to write on Mother's Day, so I contemplated not writing on Father's Day, but that's just not me. I can't not write about both my earthly father and Heavenly Father. I'll have to make up for it with a later Mother's Day post. Because likewise I can't not write about my mother.

If you don't know my earthly father then you don't know me. I don't really call him Dad like most people would. To me he's Herby, my best friend. I've always been really close to Herby, and that's probably because we're a lot alike. Like me he's quiet, observant, and friendly. We love going on walks together where we talk and talk and talk.

Being away from Herby has been a huge trial. It's hard to not have him to turn to and to know how much he's struggling. I've come to know he is the greatest example of pure love in my life, save only that of my Heavenly Father and Savior. His guidance is one I constantly seek and cherish. And his love and charity are never ending.

Herby's a funny guy. He's a huge nerd. One day he came to visit us in Utah and we were delighted to see floating lanterns in the sky. Enamored, he watched on with the light of a child in his eyes. And what did he say? Was it profound? It seemed like he was about to say something deep and spiritual. What did he say?

"Aliens."

Yup. That's Herby for you.

There's a good chance if we talked in person and you brought up Star Trek I've told you how my parents planned to name me after a character. Or how Herby collects the films and made me watch a few (yes, he made me. I stand by that). Or how he has several seasons on dvd. He has a pez dispenser collection of Star Trek characters. And we got him a Star Wars lunch box he actually brought to work (I was so proud). Oh yes, he has all of the Star Wars dvds too. Again, super huge nerd.

But the best thing about him isn't his nerdiness. It's not even those funny little things he says. No, my father is a wonderful example to me. He conveys Christ-like love better than anyone I know. He's helped me through my toughest trials, taught me things I'll never forget, and gave me guidance when I was lost. I don't know what my life would be like without him. I can't imagine having anyone else as a father. Sometimes I even want to share him with others, but then again he's mine. I don't like to share too much.

It's hard to be away from him. I know, you have to get away from daddy sometime. But the circumstances aren't the same. They're heartbreaking. It's hard to not be upset when I think about it. But I know we'll be together for time and all eternity. I'm sealed to my family. I'll have them in my life and the next. What an amazing blessing.

And how blessed I am to have Herby as my father. Really, truly. I have the best possible dad for me. He's taught me so much and continues to be a teacher and comforter in my life. Telling him I cancelled my mission was hard, but he was so kind and sweet about it. He acted exactly as I needed him to act. And I'm forever grateful for that. I love him so so much.

I can't talk about Father's Day without talking about my Heavenly Father. I love Him. Through and through. Heavenly Father is the perfect father. He lifts us up, helps us, teaches us, and humbles us. He wants so badly to have us return to Him.

What I find amazing is He had the chance to make sure everyone could be with Him. That was an option. Did you ever stop and think, wouldn't that have been better for Him? What did our Heavenly Father choose? He chose that we had our agency. The only gift better than our agency to decide our lives is that of our Savior. We can choose to return to Him. That must be hard for Him. I can't begin to imagine. But He loves us. So He gave us His only begotten Son and agency. What are we doing to be worthy of that love?

Heavenly Father deserves the best because He's willing to give us the best. But we have to choose to give that to Him. We have to choose Him. We have to choose to strive to return to Him. The amazing thing is He doesn't expect perfection. He expects us to fail and fall and get bruised and battered. But He also expects us to get up and try again. And we can do that.

What an amazing Father in Heaven. While some of us may not have fathers, or perhaps we don't have a good relationship with him, we all have a Heavenly Father. And He loves us. He will never forsake us. He will never turn his back on us. No, He is the perfect father (though Herby is pretty stinkin close).

We are NOT spiritual orphans.

I'm so thankful for fathers and their role in my life. I'm beyond thankful for my earthly father and Heavenly Father. Without them I'm just a fragment of a person. I love them dearly and encourage everyone to recognize their fathers and Heavenly Father today. Remember, we are not spiritual orphans.

A Little Clarification

I haven't posted on here and I plan on getting back on track with that. I'm already teeming with so many ideas for new posts and want to make this a regular thing again. However, there are things that need to be addressed and explained, so I'm going to do that here in a rather informal post.

As of last Tuesday I've cancelled my mission. So I guess you could say the title of this blog fits now. And now I can write about not being a full time missionary for who knows how long. This decision has come with much prayer and study. It wasn't easy, and honestly I don't think it will be for a while. I can't tell you how hard it is to tell people. But I'm okay with it. I know it's the right decision and I'm excited for what's ahead.

So I just want to get down to the basics and answer the questions. I get asked a lot of questions in regard to cancelling my mission and such so here I'm going to say it all. Just to let it out there. Here goes.

Did you get your call?

Yes I did. The day after I cancelled. Ironic, isn't it? It was odd. Holding that call in my hand was strange. I didn't feel bad or like I made a huge mistake. If anything, it felt like going through with it would have been wrong. I didn't like telling people though. That felt wrong.

But didn't you announce your call on Facebook? So you lied.

Yes. I did. And I hated it. I lingered over posting that for some time. I didn't want to tell anyone about my call. I just wanted to open it and continue on with my day. I wanted to tell everyone the truth. Instead things got out of hand and I lied. I felt horrible for days. And I'm sorry for that. And just a note, I'm not blaming the excitement for my lying. That was my doing. I'm in the wrong for that.

Did you cancel because of a guy?

This is the most common question I get in regards to cancelling my mission. The only guy involved in the cancellation of my mission is Heavenly Father. Sorry to disappoint but it's not because of a guy I was dating or anything, not that I'm seeing anyone anyway. So no.

So why did you cancel your mission?

Ahhh. The tough one. Ultimately what happened was I started to feel like I shouldn't go. Just a feeling. An impression if you will. Really what I felt was that I needed to reconsider and pray about it again. I prayed about it in October. That's quite a long time ago. Somehow serving a mission didn't feel as right as it did back in October.

Eventually I sought council from someone on it and through talking with them felt very strongly impressed I had to pray about it again. So I woke up the next morning, read my patriarchal blessing, scriptures, and studied it out in my mind. Then I prayed and received an answer. The decision to submit my will and say "not my will but thine be done" was one of the hardest decisions in my entire existence. It took me a few days to stop crying, get up, and say, "Alright. A mission isn't for me. And that's okay."

Simply put: it just didn't feel right. And it's between Heavenly Father and I.

Did you feel pressured to go on a mission?

Not at first. I thought it was all natural. If you read my post on how I decided, it all made sense to me. I did feel pressured after cancelling. It felt like everyone was disappointed and didn't want to accept that I wasn't going on a mission. But I know what's right for me and I've made my decision.

Side note: when I say I felt pressured, I don't mean people insisted I go on a mission. It was more like people made me feel bad. They were disappointed, or they would go on about my call, or about how great of a missionary I would have been. It makes me uncomfortable and like no one's going to like me if I don't do what they expect of me (this is a problem, I know). So that's what I mean.

So you still got your call. Where were you called to?

I was called to the West Indies mission including the Trinidad region. English speaking. I would have reported to the DR MTC on September 25th.

It's probably because you took too long to finish your papers.

Well thank you but no. I'm glad I took my time. Why? Because then I wouldn't have rushed into the mission and realized halfway through it was the wrong decision. It's better I took my time and realized it wasn't right for me now than to have rushed into it and realized it too late. So I disagree with this. I would have found out. The timing of this is exactly what it needed to be. It has nothing to do with how long it took me to finish my papers.

Are you sure you weren't just scared? Or worried about where you'd go?

If that was the case then I don't have the faith to serve a mission. No, I wasn't scared. I wasn't worried about where I'd be called. I trust my Heavenly Father.

Are you sure this wasn't Satan?

I hate this question. Nothing is more insulting than this question. I know how Heavenly Father communicates with me. I've known for a long time. And I know the difference between Satan and Heavenly Father. Satan makes us feel bad. Sometimes I'd think to myself, "I'm not good enough to serve a mission. That's why Heavenly Father doesn't want me to serve a mission." That's Satan. It's also bull crap.

How I knew it was from Heavenly Father and not through Satan was 1) the priesthood. I spoke with priesthood holders whom I trusted and looked up to in order to know what decision to make. I even received a priesthood blessing. Wow too. I've never doubted priesthood blessings but my testimony of them has been quadrupled.

2) The spirit. This is the thing about this question. When I say I felt impressed and prayed about it, don't you think I'd be prompted by the spirit? Again, very offensive question. But continuing on, I listened to the promptings of the spirit. I know when I'm feeling the spirit. End of discussion.

3) It felt right. When I made that decision I felt so good. Yes, that's the spirit, but there was nothing in me that felt bad. And not only that, but I knew he accepted my willingness. I knew Heavenly Father appreciated my willingness to serve a mission. He just has different plans for me.

And Finally, while it was hard, I didn't feel beaten down. I was humbled and uplifted. I knew it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or anything like that. Again, there are different things in store for me. and that's okay.

It bothers me to no end when people would say something like this, but I've gotten it a few times. I almost feel like I shouldn't have to answer or explain that. There was nothing worldly in this decision. Isn't that enough of an answer? However, I guess I can understand where people are coming from. (Nope. Not really. Not at all. No.) So there's your answer.

What now?

Another question I dread. Honestly, I have no idea.

This is a test of my faith. If I knew what Heavenly Father wanted me to do and what was around the corner it wouldn't be. Of course, I have to do my work. I can't just sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I have to figure out what I need to do. Do I have some ideas? Yes. Am I going to say what? No. I need to figure it out for myself.

A great quote I've been considering during this time is from Gordon B. Hinckley: "Get down on your knees and pray then get on your feet and work."

So is there any chance you'll serve a mission later?

Well my papers aren't on hold. They're cancelled. Done. Bye bye. But hey, things could change. Maybe next year I'll go on a mission. Maybe in a few years. Maybe I'll go when I'm married. I don't know. If it's the right time then sure. I would love to.

Maybe you'll get married soon! I think I hear wedding bells.

Not a question but come on people. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Maybe I'll get started on a writing career. Or I'll go to college. Maybe I'll die a spinster. Who knows. It's in Heavenly Father's hands. And I'm pretty cool with that. But stop with the marriage stuff.

Is this in relation to anything at home?

No. This is between the Lord and I. If there was a problem at home or financially that would keep me from a mission I wouldn't worry. I trust my Heavenly Father. End of discussion.

You didn't want to change your mind after you got your call?

No. I've made my decision and it's the right one. I know it. Is it pretty cool to see where I would have gone? Yes. Is it really hard to think about? Sometimes, yes. Especially when people keep talking to me about it as if I'm still going. But I'm past that.

Wow. That's so sad that you're not going. I feel so bad for the people in the West Indies and Trinidad. You would have been a great missionary... blah blah blah pity party boo hoo blah blah blah

Please don't say anything like this to me. It makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable. Don't try to make me feel bad. You make it sound like I've just made the worst decision in my life. And I didn't. (see: Did you feel pressured to serve a mission?)

If you weren't going on a mission in the first place then why would Heavenly Father put you through all that?

Fantastic question! I've been wondering this for some time. In fact, I found my answer just the other day while reading the scriptures. In 1st Nephi I always thought it was interesting how Lehi and his family went into the wilderness without any indication that they should get the brass plates. It's not until they're in the wilderness that Lehi tells them the Lord has commanded his sons to get the brass plates. I never got this. Why didn't Heavenly Father just tell them while they were still in Jerusalem? Wouldn't that be easier? It's not like He didn't know they would need them.

However, upon studying I found something interesting. In the wilderness was where Nephi gained his testimony. He didn't have it before. He leaned on his father's testimony. It wasn't until his faith was tested and he was out in the wilderness that he gained a testimony of his own. Nephi needed that before he could do the work Heavenly Father had in store for him. Would he be willing to try three times to get the plates without that testimony? I think Laman and Lemuel's examples answer that for us.

Not only that, but Nephi shared his experience with his brother Sam. And Sam believed him. This is huge. If Sam didn't have that experience where he leaned on his brother's testimony he might have not sided with him. So he might have been on Laman and Lemuel's side. Nephi may be a strong and great guy with a strong testimony, but he couldn't continue on his own. Those two needed each other. And through Nephi Sam was able to gain his own testimony.

Likewise if we read in Genesis there is the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was given a huge test of faith when he was told to sacrifice Isaac. It wasn't until right before that an angel of the Lord appeared unto him and told him he doesn't have to kill him.

Man I love the scriptures. They're awesome. Aren't they? So I think my situation was much like that of both stories. It was a test of faith and I had to grow a bit before I could be a better servant of my Heavenly Father. I know I've grown tremendously in preparing to serve a mission. I've come much closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before. And for that I'm thankful for the experience.

I don't know all the details of Heavenly Father's plan, but I'm slowly picking up on the little blessings of this. And you know, that's enough for me.

Anything else you want to say?

Not really. I think I've said it all. In fact that's a lot. Sorry about that. I may have ranted a bit. But there you go. If I missed any questions just ask and I'll answer. I'm pretty sure I covered all of it.

This has all been crazy and ridiculous and hard. But it's okay. The other day when I told my ward a guy came up to me and said, "Don't be sad or bothered by anything anyone says. It's between you and the Lord and you know you made the right decision." It was actually pretty random but so sweet. I needed that more than I realized. The random hugs have been pretty nice too.

The number one thing I've taken from this experience is to trust my Heavenly Father and understand there's nothing wrong with me. Just because I'm not serving a mission doesn't mean I'm a bad person or not good enough for the blessings of heaven. It's okay. I'll be okay. And I'll find my way. I just have to figure out which way to go now.